As stated, there will be some journal-like entries… though written more to put thoughts on paper, rather than for my audience, here goes-

Today, i grieve the loss of one of my dear friend’s son. Her and I shared pregnancy together. i remember back to those first few days of our announcements. Mine first, and hers just a few months to follow. so excited, so joyful to walk these days together. We both are “newlyweds” (though technically our marriages are both going on several years). dreamed of our sons playing together, we questioned each other about the different character traits of the doctors within our practice, we conversed about the aspects of the hospital. talked about what schedules we would implement, “eat, play, sleep”-every 3 hours from the start of the feeding, accordingly they would not be dependent on nursing for bedtime.
“which pump are you going to get?” she would ask. “I can’t tell you how many times I have to get up at night to use the bathroom” “Dr. Wind is the best, pretty chill” “I hate shots!” “is it bad that i’ve already gained half of my weight in the first trimester?” “those pants with the elastic band aren’t so comfortable” “have you heard of perineal massage?” “yes, 3 weeks before my due date, ive finally signed up for birthing classes” “im exhausted, i keep waking up” “oh, joy, you will be fine, you seem to have a pretty good pain tolerance” “when is your due date again, i can’t remember anything these days” i would reply.
visited the same consignment sales, laughed about awkward pregnancy symptoms, and joked about dealing with unwanted guests. prayed for each other during hormonally challenging days. planned out our list of who we would tell first when the water broke. cleaned each other’s houses, shared clothes, shared raspberry tea that would “supposedly” put you into labor, and much much more.
Mine arrived the tuesday before his saturday due date. 7lbs, 20 inches. She stayed up all night praying for me. i pushed for 10 minutes. 3 days after her due date, he arrived. she pushed for 22 minutes. 7.9 oz, 20 inches. She visited me and rocked my dear child back and forth, as her little one kicked him from inside. The day after birth, my husband and I visited her little one and joyfully experienced the love that new babies bring. Just two days later we would hear of his passing. Thoroughly unexpected and unprecedented.
I do not understand why. I can rationally present the answers, but it is so unnatural to come to grips with death. I wish it were not true, perhaps a bad dream. we will all wake up and i’ll turn to my husband and relent about what happened last night. but, this is not so. “you’re just in shock” they say.
i hurt for her. I am sad for her husband. i hold my son close and constantly think of her loss. I am glad that he is safe in my Father’s arms. One day soon we will meet him. It is still so very hard.

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